I have been suffering from Anxiety for years and an on and off relationship with depression, due to my anxieties and my obsessive routines ( OCD ) taking way too much control over my life. I have always found it difficult to talk to others about it as I feel like I could get judged or lose the ones that mean most to me. It can make you feel things that you never felt before. It can be challenging and can make the world around you seem dark, cold, lonely and distant. Sometimes the feelings from both are indescribable and it can feel like there isn’t a way out.
A few years ago, I felt very anxious and very depressed. There were a lot of things going on in my life and as much as I tried, I couldn’t shake it off. I remember hating life. I wanted to quit my job and just wanted to hibernate in my room as that felt like the only place that felt safe to me. I felt tired, weak and everything I saw was clouded with darkness.
One day, my Mum asked me if I could help dye her hair. So I grabbed the towel she always used for dyeing her hair, placed a chair in the middle of the kitchen and helped mix the dye products to create a purple colour.
As I painted the dye to her scalp, she swivelled around in the chair and looked at me.
“Careful, I almost painted your face.”
“We should do something fun!”
I looked at her and didn’t know why this came out all of a sudden. Her definition of fun was completely different to my fun. Although fun was a distant memory to me at the time.
“We should do something crazy,” She looked at me and gave a wacky smile,”We should dye your hair!”
“No, absolutely not. No way are you going anywhere near my hair with this colour.” I pointed to the plastic dish in my hand filled with the gooey dye. My body tensed as a wave of panic run through my spine.
“Come on, when was the last time you actual had a laugh,” She said, “I haven’t heard you laugh for ages. Come on Gina, let yourself go!”
I remember thinking she was mad, like per usual. It took me a while, but in the end I gave in and let her dye a couple of strips of my hair. And I couldn’t help but laugh.
After dyeing parts of my hair purple, we then went for a run and carried on throughout the day doing spontaneous things!
After doing all those things, I felt a bit more better about what I was worried and felt down about. After doing all those things, for the first time in a while I felt happy. I know it’s strange, as you wouldn’t think an Autistic person would enjoy being spontaneous! 😂 I wasn’t keen on it at first, but for me ( surprisingly ) it worked! It helped me clear my head and after a while I got back on track with my life.
Doing something spontaneous and different, wether it’s a drive, a walk, or maybe doing something a bit more crazier ( like dyeing parts of your hair a wacky colour!😂 ) has helped me with my anxieties and has helped me with my happiness! Of course, anxiety still creeps up on me from time to time and some days are worse than others. But I’ve learnt that sometimes you just have to encourage yourself to get back where you used to be even if it makes you anxious and scared.
If you are feeling anxious or have any other mental health issues, take the time to look after yourself. Talk to someone you trust and love. Take tiny steps towards improving your life, only YOU can make the biggest difference to change the way you feel. It won’t be easy, but things will get better. Try something new, be spontaneous! You never know where it may lead you.
See you soon!