You have always been in my life at a very young age. You never really got involved a lot back then, I suppose you just liked to watch from a distance. I knew something was there, but I didn’t know it was you. Back then, you didn’t really look like anything, you were just a blur. You were quiet for a long time, like a dormant volcano. You weren’t ready to erupt.
As I grew your presence became more noticeable. You were always in my company and it was starting to bother me. I started to ignore you in hope that you would disappear. But you didn’t like that.
I remember the first time you took control. The first time I had a panic attack. My world felt shaken. Everything started to get too much. It was difficult to breath, it felt like someone was strangling me. My breathing felt heavy and my body was shaking uncontrollable. My stomach felt like it was in tight knots and my heart beating so fast that it felt like it was going to explode. I tried to stop myself. I tried to take control, but I couldn’t.
You liked how it made me feel scared. You liked that you had control.
You would always surprise me with a visit from time to time. It didn’t matter where I was, you would always find me. I would try to pretend that you weren’t there, I tried to think of other things. I wanted you to go away. I tried to ignore you but I couldn’t. You would put thoughts into my head and play them on repeat until they were the only things I could think about. The only things I would worry about.
I tried to fight you. There were times where I thought I had won, but then you would push me down again. You got a lot more stronger than me, I felt powerless in your presence. You weighed me down with all your darkness and worries and eventually I gave in. You made me see the world through your eyes and it depressed me. You made me feel tired, you took away my happiness. I started to hate myself. I didn’t want to go out in fear that you would be there to mock me. You made me feel stupid. I felt like I was letting everyone I loved and cared about down and that was the thing that hurt me the most.
You then pushed me to the lowest I have ever been.
I felt very lost, very lonely and all I could see was darkness. You broke me.
But you didn’t win.
Your a negative influence on me but your also a positive influence. You have taught me a lot and in a way I should say thank you. You are making me a stronger person everyday and have learnt to except you in my life. You are apart of me, but you do not define me. You do not own me and never will. I know you will still try to knock me back down again, but you will never win.
I know you won’t go away completely, I except that. You will always be in my life and I know there will be times were I do need you. But if you ever try to take me down again, just know I will be ready to kick your ass!