I don’t like change. It’s not that hard to see. I don’t think I have ever met an Autistic person who is enthusiastic about change. Sudden change. Change that we are not expecting. Change that will interrupt our daily routines. Change that looks small to others, when actually it’s big to us. For example, I don’t like it when the staff room furniture is moved about. It makes me feel queasy, my stomach feels like its in tight nots and I feel like I want to scream. This sort of change wouldn’t effect my colleagues the way it effects me. I have to move things back to the way they were to feel better again. I like things to be the same. But things can’t always be the same and this is something I am trying to except and understand.
A lot of changes have happened in the last month and a bit. My workplace has moved to a different department and a few other things have popped up and unsettled me. The move has definitely been the one to effect me the most. This has been a big change, not just for me but for my colleagues too.
I wasn’t sure how to deal with all the changes happening in my life. I managed to keep it all together for a while and then all my emotions leak out at once. One minute I wanted to cry, the next I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I would hide from people, I couldn’t deal with socialising. It was too draining, physically and mentally. There wasn’t a routine I could follow for a while which made things worse. My anxieties were all over the place, I felt like I was on a rollercoaster that never seemed to stop. I was getting tired and sick and everything was getting too much. There would be days were all my senses would get mixed up and I would have to lock myself in a toilet in the middle of town or at work, just so I could calm down and let myself be Autistic. I wanted things to go back to how they used to be. I wanted it to stay the same.
I like to know whats happening. If changes are going to happen I like to be prepared. Knowing whats going to happen makes it easier. But I’ve noticed that, as I’ve stepped into adulthood, you can’t always be prepared for change. You can’t always know what day it will happen and what time. Sometimes, you have to expect the unexpected and this frighteneds me.
I felt very lost and unsure about what was happening around me. Not all changes have structure and sometimes there is nothing we can do about. If I could, I would keep things the same forever and this would make me happy, but…
Change happens for a reason. Change can be challenging and I’ve learnt that it’s okay to feel the way I feel. I’ve learnt that nobody likes change and everybody deals with change differently. There will be good days and bad days. Good weeks and bad weeks. It’s okay to take a step back and have a break. Things gets better. Sometimes the changes that you thought were bad can be good. I’ve learnt that change is apart of growing up.
I will never like change. I will still get upset when somebody decides to move the staff room furniture about. I will still hate it when the bus company decides to change the bus number and route. I will always be Autistic and I will always hate change but, I’m glad it happens. If things didn’t change, I wouldn’t of learnt anything and I wouldn’t of met all the amazing people I know now. If things never moved on, I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today!
I know its got to happen, I know it will happen and it’s okay and I will deal with it, sometimes with the help of my friends and family that I am very lucky to have.
See you soon!